I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
