Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
