Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I stole a fireplace last night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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