I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
