tonight lets celebrate not being married
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
