I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
