I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
