Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
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I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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