Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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