I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
