im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
