Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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