we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I still have a little drunk in my system
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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