everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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