I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
