Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
