Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
