Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
