You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
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It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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