He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
