her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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