Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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