btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I forget how to act sober
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
