It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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