Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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