Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
