last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
