I'm gonna have a badass scar
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
