2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
