so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think I just sharted jello shots
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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