Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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