I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
