saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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