It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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