So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
