Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
