i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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