the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
