Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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