did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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