She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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