So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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