Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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