someone threw a dead crab at me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
