Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
