So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im six kinds of drunk right now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
