so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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