2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
