i jhust puked up my retainher.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
