Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
