seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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