I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
