the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
