She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
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Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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