youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
