I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.