We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous