So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.