It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
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We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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