when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
