There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
