My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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